172 bpm to a dead stop
No matter how much I believed I was pregnant, there was always that voice screaming that it was all a farce. That the cosmos was playing some sick twisted joke on me and your dad. That small voice was always taunting, "You aren't really pregnant. This is just the ultimate hope riser. Just wait... none of this is real."
I think that is why I was so not eager to tell anyone about you. I fought so hard to keep the news to myself. I battled the thought of you so hard that I was bursting to tell the world, and also I so desperately wanted to hide away in a corner for the next 10 months and just wait till you actually showed up. At least then I would have no fear of you disappearing.
From the moment I took the pregnancy test (and got a positive), I knew the inevitable first doctor's appointment would come. In fact, what is usually the "first" appointment was conducted over the phone due to the COVID-19 pandemic (a WHOLE other issue.) I would have to wait an additional 4 weeks till I had my first ultrasound and meet-up with my doctor.
In that span of time, my cautiousness won over the excitement. I wanted you to exist, but I couldn't convince myself that you did. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked for blood. I felt like I did the 6 days after missing my period...wondering when the gush would come. This time, I knew that it wouldn't just be the lining of my uterus that would be shed...it would be my baby. I just kept expecting it and hoping against hope that it wouldn't happen.
Day of ultrasound. Finally here. I woke to a text from my mom. Something along the lines of, "I don't think Dutch is going to make it through the day." Who is Dutch? Just the greatest dog anyone has ever had. Or at least me. He had gotten me through the hardest time in my life: when your uncle died, and he had been with me through so many other heart-breaking moments.
Talk about putting my head and heart on a different level than I wanted. I was now stuck between being anxious and nervous to sad and heart-broken. To be honest, I didn't cope so well between these emotions, especially since I had to do them alone. Your dad couldn't go with me to the appointment and I wasn't sure how I was to breathe.
I left for coffee with Lindsey, something I have been doing once a week for the last 6 or 7 years to hopefully take my mind off of you and Dutch. It didn't work so well, at least not on the way there. I cried the entire way to the coffee shop. Big elephant tears streamed down my face. The ugly cry...I couldn't get him off my mind. My little hero...my little savior, and how after today, I wouldn't have him anymore. How after today...he would be gone and you wouldn't get a chance to meet him. He wouldn't get to meet you.
I made it through coffee without tears, but started that back up once I was alone back in the car. I don't think it helped that the weather was overcast and misty. It was the perfect weather to say goodbye.
Once at my appt, I had to wear my mask get my temperature taken and answer several questions about COVID-19 that were very atypical. "Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours? Have you been experiencing any upper respiratory issues? Have you had any sneezing or breathing issues outside of normal allergies?" Gladly to say no, I was permitted into the waiting room.
*Just thinking about how I felt then...it giving me a little anxiety now.* To be honest, I have never been so nervous. Never. Not ever. I started to hyperventilate, and the mask was NOT helping. I looked around the room with strategically placed chairs and signs that read: "DO NOT SIT" I checked in and was asked to be seated. A few moments later, a young girl came out with a string of pictures of her baby. I knew I was moments away from either being told you didn't really exist or getting my own photo strip. I was certainly hoping for the later...but expecting the first.
I texted your dad as he sat at home. I just wanted him there. I really needed someone who was nervous to be with me. I am not usually one for needing a hand holding, but I would have given anything to be sitting next to him.
They called me back and had me undress and get ready for the vaginal ultrasound. Here was the moment. This was it... I Skyped your dad so he could be as present as possible. Yeah...I felt like an idiot, but he deserved to be there as much as I did.
"There is going to be a little pressure." Yeah yeah... let's get on with this! And as the probe went in and she focused...
There you were. Or, I thought that was you. "Is there a baby in there?! Is it in the right place?!" My two most desperate questions. I had to know! No... I NEEDED to know! She chuckled... "Yes. There is a baby and yes it is in the right place. Every thing look great. Heartbeat is 172 bpm...which is perfect. I am just going to take a few measurements."
"Can you see, Bee? Can you see our baby?" I saw the little heart fluttering faster than I could count. It truly was a fascinating moment. Your poor father had to watch all on the phone screen. I knew he was just as excited as I was.
The tech let me get dressed. I hung up with your dad and immediately got a text from my mom. "The vet is open. They just need a time that we can take him." BAM!! Slammed right back to Dutch! I had been on the highest of highs just seeing you for the first time, and now my tears came back! How dare she! Didn't she know that I was here! I told her I was busy and that I was at the doctor. Her response was that she forgot. Of all days!! She forgot the most important?!
I had my next appt directly after with the doctor. Everything was pretty routine. Didn't have much to ask. She did mention that I will be at the age (when you arrive) that is considered high-risk, and that I should consider getting a chromosomal test...I quickly told her I wanted to, she scheduled me for the following Friday and I left.
Dutch.You. I left so high...and so sad. Dutch. You. Dutch. You. I went to get your father so we could do one of the hardest things. Say goodbye. And even now, I can't bear the thought of walking you step by step through that. My heart isn't ready. I still find myself in tears...missing my little boy. I can not write for you my moment by moment.
It was something I know you will experience. It is something you will experience more than once, and I promise it will suck every fucking time. But, when I handed him over to the doctor...wrapped in his towel, with such a sad and hopeless look on his face, I knew it was the right thing to do. You. Dutch. You. 172 beats of your heart...to his no longer beating. The high of seeing you for the first time got me through the low of seeing him for the last time.
...'til we meet.
Talk about putting my head and heart on a different level than I wanted. I was now stuck between being anxious and nervous to sad and heart-broken. To be honest, I didn't cope so well between these emotions, especially since I had to do them alone. Your dad couldn't go with me to the appointment and I wasn't sure how I was to breathe.
I left for coffee with Lindsey, something I have been doing once a week for the last 6 or 7 years to hopefully take my mind off of you and Dutch. It didn't work so well, at least not on the way there. I cried the entire way to the coffee shop. Big elephant tears streamed down my face. The ugly cry...I couldn't get him off my mind. My little hero...my little savior, and how after today, I wouldn't have him anymore. How after today...he would be gone and you wouldn't get a chance to meet him. He wouldn't get to meet you.
I made it through coffee without tears, but started that back up once I was alone back in the car. I don't think it helped that the weather was overcast and misty. It was the perfect weather to say goodbye.
Once at my appt, I had to wear my mask get my temperature taken and answer several questions about COVID-19 that were very atypical. "Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours? Have you been experiencing any upper respiratory issues? Have you had any sneezing or breathing issues outside of normal allergies?" Gladly to say no, I was permitted into the waiting room.
*Just thinking about how I felt then...it giving me a little anxiety now.* To be honest, I have never been so nervous. Never. Not ever. I started to hyperventilate, and the mask was NOT helping. I looked around the room with strategically placed chairs and signs that read: "DO NOT SIT" I checked in and was asked to be seated. A few moments later, a young girl came out with a string of pictures of her baby. I knew I was moments away from either being told you didn't really exist or getting my own photo strip. I was certainly hoping for the later...but expecting the first.
I texted your dad as he sat at home. I just wanted him there. I really needed someone who was nervous to be with me. I am not usually one for needing a hand holding, but I would have given anything to be sitting next to him.
They called me back and had me undress and get ready for the vaginal ultrasound. Here was the moment. This was it... I Skyped your dad so he could be as present as possible. Yeah...I felt like an idiot, but he deserved to be there as much as I did.
"There is going to be a little pressure." Yeah yeah... let's get on with this! And as the probe went in and she focused...
There you were. Or, I thought that was you. "Is there a baby in there?! Is it in the right place?!" My two most desperate questions. I had to know! No... I NEEDED to know! She chuckled... "Yes. There is a baby and yes it is in the right place. Every thing look great. Heartbeat is 172 bpm...which is perfect. I am just going to take a few measurements."
"Can you see, Bee? Can you see our baby?" I saw the little heart fluttering faster than I could count. It truly was a fascinating moment. Your poor father had to watch all on the phone screen. I knew he was just as excited as I was.
The tech let me get dressed. I hung up with your dad and immediately got a text from my mom. "The vet is open. They just need a time that we can take him." BAM!! Slammed right back to Dutch! I had been on the highest of highs just seeing you for the first time, and now my tears came back! How dare she! Didn't she know that I was here! I told her I was busy and that I was at the doctor. Her response was that she forgot. Of all days!! She forgot the most important?!
I had my next appt directly after with the doctor. Everything was pretty routine. Didn't have much to ask. She did mention that I will be at the age (when you arrive) that is considered high-risk, and that I should consider getting a chromosomal test...I quickly told her I wanted to, she scheduled me for the following Friday and I left.
Dutch.You. I left so high...and so sad. Dutch. You. Dutch. You. I went to get your father so we could do one of the hardest things. Say goodbye. And even now, I can't bear the thought of walking you step by step through that. My heart isn't ready. I still find myself in tears...missing my little boy. I can not write for you my moment by moment.
It was something I know you will experience. It is something you will experience more than once, and I promise it will suck every fucking time. But, when I handed him over to the doctor...wrapped in his towel, with such a sad and hopeless look on his face, I knew it was the right thing to do. You. Dutch. You. 172 beats of your heart...to his no longer beating. The high of seeing you for the first time got me through the low of seeing him for the last time.
...'til we meet.
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